The art of forgiveness

I do not forgive easily

I ache from deep inside myself

Gutteral acid seeping from my stomach and chest

Forcing hard breath from my soul

As if my heart had been torn from its strings
And held there in a cold steel cage, beating only because it has no other choice

I breath

Flinching as punched hard in the gut

The pain.  The betrayal.  The harm and broken shattered soul tears.

Blood still pumps, hard, red, relentless.

Sweet dark numbness; too far from reach to even rest a moments thought on

But that moment’s crescendo explodes into deafening squeals of anguish erupting from every crevice of my being

my well of love overflowing into a waterfall of sadness and river of crystal clear emotions ebbing into the universe

Dispersing into everything 

The monotony

Routine

Laughter

Fear

Guilt 

Anger

Then love, pure love

And sleep

Seconds, hours, days and then years

My mind wandering with the twists and turns of the present 

Thrive in the present

And when that time comes

I forgive you

Peace 

Clarity

Purity 

Life
By Lis December 2015 

Twisted

Every scene that haunts me

Stays inside my head

Lurks behind the curtains

Impending sense of dread

It’s lingering behind me

It’s watching whilst I sleep

It’s calling out my name

But when I turn

There’s just a heap, of black and tattered remnants

Laying strewn across the ground

Motionless and sinister 

I lost that won’t be found

Amongst the flowers

There’s a body

Laying prone so frail and cold

A scream that rings inside my heart

A story never told

dark trauma it consumes me

drips into my mouth

fills me up and drains my soul

Tears me up and spits me out.

A cymbalta victim.

This week I’m mostly being a ‘normal’ person…

…. Whatever that is?! It’s certainly using up my valuable spoonage.

  
I just realised I can blog on my phone; I know, get with the 21st century.

I’m procrastinating because I’m literally the best at it.

Today I went to my new job

I’m thrilled to have found a new job, the people seem so lovely and the job itself totally doable.  It’s mainly coordinating home carers from a desk base, it’s very straightforward and not as pressurised as my previous stressful, traveling all over the county management role.  That role I’m sure contributed to two serious relapses, seeing me bed bound.  

Tomorrow I get to get up early YEY!

 
Did someone say 6am?

Ok I’m not a morning person, in fact I don’t know anyone with Fibro or chronic fatigue that is.  Tomorrow I get to meet some lovely customers so they can put a face (mine) to a name (mine) very early in the morning.

I don’t mind.  I think I told my boss the last time I got up that early was at Christmas.

How to declare conditions to new employers, it’s tough right?

I’m yet to declare officially my conditions, I’m doing this tomorrow.  It’s such a hard decision to make, because I desperately want to prove to them how dedicated I am, and that I can, despite my illness be a valuable asset to their team.  I also fear judgement, knowing that I’m in probation and they could just let me go… Out into the realms of unemployment, something I do not want at all.  I do not think they will do this.  Not without being given a chance anyway.  

It’s going to be challenging, but my life is challenging no matter what I do.  Once the pros and cons were weighed I knew I had to remain employed.

I don’t know how I’ll cope.  I’m sure I’ll go back to the days of, work, sleep, work, sleep, work… Whilst my body adjusts to its new demands.  I know it will be painful.  I know my Craig will have to make me more teas and get up earlier to help me bath and stuff.  I’m going to need to take more painkillers.  I know at least one and a half of my 2 days off will be slept away.

I’m gonna need ALL of my spoons.

  

So why do I bother?

Because of my self worth

My drive to feel useful and needed

My passion to embrace my own independence 

I get out of ‘these 4 walls’

I make new friends 

I learn new skills, so I feel like at least part of my brain is not willowing away in a foggy mess

I will have to drag myself kicking and screaming out of my bed in the morning, yes the AM! 

I will embrace days, whole days

I’ll feel like I’m living again

I will pay my bills, and not rely on welfare and be at the beck and call of our awful government.

I will not be wasting away, I might even get stronger physically.

Wish me luck (particularly for the early start!)

Oh…. We also move home this week.  Nothing like doing nothing for months and then all of a sudden changing your whole life in one week! 

  
Next week we are on holiday, so I’ll take some beautiful mountain pictures and we can all breath a sigh of relief and relax again!

Big hugs to you all, stay strong xx


Sage vs Night Sweats UPDATE

hotsweatsretro

PART 2….

I have been using sage drops for over a week now and I have to say I am really impressed.  (Product link below)

sage

Did it work then?

My scalp has had periods of dryness!  I was getting really worried about it as I had a spot on my head that I had scratched and the small wound was not healing at all due to the warmth and moisture, it was a breeding ground for bacteria, yuk!

sweats

Since putting 20 drops of sage tincture into a small glass of water 3 times a day on an empty stomach, I have seen a good improvement in my sweating.  I has not gone altogether, but on a few nights I have even woken up under a dry duvet, so I know something is working.

THANK YOU HEALTH SHOP MAN….

God love the health food shop man at Harvest Healthfoods in Ramsgate… I must send him a Christmas card!  I would jump on him if I had the energy and it wouldn’t see me arrested.  He recommended the sage to me after my GP searched patient.co.uk and came up with nothing.

If you are local, click here…  Harvest Health Foods in Ramsgate

So what now?

Well I will continue with the sage, to be honest I sometimes miss the middle dose.  I am so forgetful and 3 times a day doesn’t always work for me.  Of course I get better results this way, but twice a day will suffice.  I also invested in a really good chemical free roll on deodorant (one of the crystal ones).  Oh… and my trusty fan for the times the noise of the thing isn’t driving me mad.

fan

I plan to buy some herbal sage teas too, to see if I get any results with them, and to experiment by putting sage in my nutriblasts.  (I love my nutribullet, finally I can eat veg without gagging!)

I still need to see a doctor as I am having some problems with the lymph nodes, particularly behind my ears (so painful), I need to get a GP on the case because the ME clinic has a waiting list of 1 year now.  I need my nodes checking for defs.

Love you guys….  If you have similar blogs, please link below I would love to read them!

Love Lis x

The drops I used are called Menosan and are available in health food stores (certainly in the UK) and on Amazon and probably a heap of other places.

***** Menosan drops on Amazon.co.uk *****

menosan

My Illness is NOT a Secret. But why should I explain it to you?

invisible me

This is a photo of me… photo-shopped to make me grey and invisible, as that is how I am feeling right at this moment.  My illness is invisible, however I am not, and this seemingly gives people the right to ridicule me in public, it’s not fair and I want it to end.  Not just for me but everyone who goes through embarrassment like I did today.

I will not use my walking stick just because it provokes your compassion, I will not do anything to the detriment of my own independence, just so you can see my illness and not take the piss out of me.

You wanna know what happened?

OK.

Today, no less than 3 hours ago, I was in the Ramsgate Waitrose store very close to my home (that I traveled to, 1 stop by bus), getting a few bits for dinner this week.  I was having a particularly good day, and went without my walking stick, I knew I would be able to hold onto a trolley in the store, and this is always more helpful than the stick is anyway!  I felt good to get out of the house and mingle in the community a little bit.  I start work again soon, and I’m trying to build my tolerance/strength up.

I haven’t been able to carry a shopping basket for several years due to serious pain building up quickly in my arms.  They are not an option for me so I chose a shallow trolley.

I went to the meat aisle and placed four items into the trolley and went to the checkout, there was a small queue.  I felt ok, calm and relaxed, when the man in front turned, chuckling to himself and said “That’s a bit lazy isn’t it?”.

I looked at him, smiling, bemused…

He went on “Bit lazy isn’t it, all that trolley for those few things?!!”.

I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.  He didn’t say a word more as he turned and tended to the 3 items he had carried to the checkout.

Normally I would gob off.  Do the… “Actually I have a disability, I can’t hold baskets, it hurts me, holding onto the trolley helps me walk”…. But I didn’t say this, I stood in silence.

Those few chuckled words had reduced me.

Made me feel inadequate.  That man shat all over my good day.

See it was only a few words that normally I could laugh off, explain, educate the misinformed gentleman about my plight and that of thousands others like me.

But in that moment, I was broken, reduced to silence.

I came home and cried.

See my illness really is invisible whilst you can see me.  You see me, Lis, the lady in her mid 30’s, who looks younger, wears eyeliner and modern clothing.  She’s standing in the line, getting shopping for her boyfriend because hes been hard at work and taking care of her for months with little thanks and she wanted to do something nice for him on this sunny Monday afternoon.  He came home to her anger and tears.

Please think next time you see a lazy person, like…

A teen boy in the disabled seat on the bus

A man who gets a taxi just 5 minutes walk down the road

A woman with 2 items in her trolley…

Maybe next time you see a ‘lazy’ person… keep your thoughts invisible too.  Chronic illness, learning disabilities, mental illnesses are very visible when you live with them.

Love Lis x

The ‘night sweats’ are taking the piss now… THIS IS WAR

Hot sweat history in a nutshell…

I have suffered from hot sweats, mostly during the night for a long time now, probably around 18 months.  The seemed to coincide with me being put on Amitriptaline medication for my neurological pain.  Thinking the meds were the culprit I changed them, for Nortriptaline, which only made things worse.  A few different meds later and I am still sweating, and the last few weeks it’s been more than ever.

Most nights I flip the duvet, to be honest I could do with 3 or 4 spare duvets to feel comfortable when I wake  soaking wet.  

It’s frustrating, and makes me feel really unclean.  I wouldn’t mind but I cannot shower anymore, due to the chronic pain in my legs and fatigue… If I could nip in the shower I would, probably 10 times a day!

Not expecting any help at all, I decided to go to the doctor…

She was actually really nice.  I explained that I wanted to rule out being menopausal, because at 34, with no children, I really need to know if my fertility is at risk.  We chatted about periods and lady hormones, and she did not believe this was menopausal at all.  That’s good.  She put it down to something to do with my Fibromyalgia, possibly ME/CFS, I am still awaiting to see a specialist to confirm that diagnosis.  To be honest I know a heap of people online who have the same diagnosis and suffer from this symptom too, all stumped as to what to try to feel better.

Medication for hot sweats?

So my doctor looked up some medication for menopause symptoms, she said it was not hormonal, but given to women to help with hot flushes.  She read into it (as it’s not commonly prescribed for anything other than menopause) and decided she didn’t feel comfortable to prescribe to me being non menopausal.  I trusted her on that, to be honest I don’t want to put anything in my body that could cause me further side effects, and I had the feeling, without further research I may have been a bit of a guinea pig.  For someone fighting hard to recover, I can’t take a risk like that.

Beta blockers?  

She asked if my sweats were related to anxiety.  They are not.  I have suffered from severe anxiety and sweating like this was never a symptom, even when I felt like I was dying I don’t remember breaking a sweat… which on reflection is a bit odd.  Anyway she said they might help.  So this could be an option for some people.  However I have asthma, and it’s not advisable to take beta blockers if you have asthma; we weighed up the pro’s and con’s and I decided that with my fatigue and pain, the last thing I need is a night in A&E on a nebuliser if it all goes tits up.

So what did she do?   Nothing.  But I knew that was gonna be the case, I had to try right?!

So I took myself for a cup of tea and a google, because google is my back up doctor, google tells me all the meds that doctors don’t get paid to prescribe.  I saw something about Sage and it’s benefits.  I remember a friend mentioning it a while back and headed straight to the health food shop.

Sage… you are my only hope… you and that elusive ME referral… 

I popped into the health food shop and spoke to the tall guy who seems to own it and be the only employee.  He knows his stuff, he got me taking evening primrose oil and cured my ‘I’m not a teenager, really I’m not acne’.  And these energy lozenges that he said tasted ‘agreeable’ but they tasted like the corpses of rancid skunks.  Anyway he agreed Sage was good, and recommended the drops, that get into your system in 6 minutes, wooohoooo.

I bought them immediately… I’m counting on this remedy to help me fight this war against my own body fluid.

So has it worked?!!!!! 

Well.  That was only today.  I took 20 drops in a small amount of bottled water on an empty stomach at 6pm I was surprised that I did notice a seriously good decrease in my sweating and at one stage my hair was dry!  (That is amazing, I was getting concerned because another lady I spoke to said she had to cut her hair because she got some sort of fungus on her head from it always being warm and damp, ewwwww, I really started to panic, I am not cutting my hair, it’s been a labour of love).  Anyway…  It’s now 10.20pm and I have just literally started sweating, so I had a good 4 hours.  I am going to take some more and head to bed.  You can take this stuff 3 times a day.  I’m going to stick at it and I will let you know how it goes.

Do you have any temperature control tips?  I would love to hear them!  Please comment below and subscribe to find out how it goes.

BIG LOVE from Lis x