Little Luke (my adoreable baby nephew) is growing super quick. I went to visit last Thursday and at 16 weeks old, just 16 weeks in the world, he’s smiling at me, properly laughing and cooing, and he has legs, oh my goodness. He was born with both hips dislocated and was quickly placed in a harness, legs bent up and separated for weeks, and this was the first time I had held him unharnessed since he was 4 hours old. He has some long little legs on him. I bought him a robot, and they quickly became friends.
It gets me thinking…. Time goes way too quickly…..
It was only yesterday an old school friend wrote a facebook status about never being able to understand himself. It prompted me to comment that sometimes, looking back and trying to analyse why we are who we are, is just too big a job. Do we need to spend valuable minutes, hours, weeks, years, trying to ‘discover ourselves’, finding the answers to why we ended up where we are? More importantly, will we ever know? Is this a task that really pays off in the long term? I’m not sure it is…
Since we were at school, a whole lot of drama happened…
I spent years of my life, all of my teen years, most of my 20’s, a lot of my 30’s so far behaving in ways I maybe shouldn’t have, dwelling on negative feelings, hooking up with inappropriate men, getting emotionally invested in said men, suffering horrifically dramatic break-ups, watching my weight plummet and increase like a yo-yo, in and out of therapy, taking countless prescribed pills that were going to solve my problems, partying like no-one was watching, waking up in strange places, getting into the mother of all debt crisis’s, telling bailiffs my name was Mrs Smith and I had never heard of myself or where I had moved to. Ending up hospitalised because an inappropriate man cheated on me, and I thought I couldn’t live without him. I could write a book on the last 20 years – I might still do that.
20 years wasted? NO WAY
No. I will not be defined by my past. I am a good person, who for whatever reason ended up with some mental health issues and didn’t always make good choices. I am not going to spend the next 20 years trying to work out why, because that will not fix anything. What has happened has happened, I do not have a time machine and I cannot go back to when I was 19 and tell myself not to go to those raves, and to get my head down, stay at uni and earn a degree. I am not going to go back to the time my ex boyfriend told stole £700 from my bank account because of death threats from loan sharks, and stop myself from calling the police back to tell them it was a misunderstanding. I am not going to go back to the time I took too many sleeping pills because I was so desperate to sleep and tell myself it wont be worth it.
I don’t have time to waste on what is done.
I don’t want to change anything, because all of the things, they made me who I am now. I like who I am now, I value myself.
It took a long time to get to this place. It took 20 years of hard learning.
Where I am now…
I’m not perfect, I don’t believe anyone is. I currently sleep 18 hours a day and I am in pain pretty much all the time. I have been told I have fibromyalgia, and am awaiting seeing a M.E/CFS specialist. I struggle to keep working full time, right now I am off sick, I can wake up enough to get to work and do a half decent job. Despite all this, in my head, I am in a good place, better than most of my adult life. I get frustrated, angry, isolated and depressed, but I own it, I accept it, because going through what I am going through, that’s gonna happen, I don’t know anyone happy with their pain and fatigue levels. I try to achieve something everyday, no matter how small. Today my goal was to get out of bed and dressed. I didn’t plan on writing on the blog so this is all a bonus.
Looking forward…. Moving on from an unhappy life can be done…
The future is not dark for me. I used to have dreams of being financially free, living in a beautiful beach house, relaxing on exotic summer holidays and never having to worry about the rent or what I could afford. I dreamt of being happy all the time and having no problems or cares in the world, just a life full of love.
That dream still exists…
I just view it differently now. I used to look way into the future and see those dreams as… ‘one days’…. or ‘if I won the lottery’… or ‘if a miracle happens’…
Now I view them as, ‘this can happen’, ‘it happens to other people so why not me?’, what can I do now to get closer to my dreams?’ This is a recent epiphany for me. But since I started thinking this way, I have started this blog, I have started designing my own greetings cards and I have sold some. No where near enough to buy that beach house, but you know what, I really believe if I keep going that that tenner I earnt last week, will become a twenty, and next year… If I keep aiming for my dreams, why on earth can’t I reach them? I think the trick is to make your dreams real to you, stop telling yourself it only happens for other people, you have a body and a brain the same as millions of others, you are all you need to make dreams happen.
But… You have to look forward realistically
Set your intentions. Set small achievable goals, and never lose sight of the end game. Whatever you do, waste no more time over analyzing years of your life that you are unhappy about, those years, they got you to where you are now, and you are here, on earth, with everything you need to make a difference in your own life. Own that.
Biggest Love from Lis xx